"My last letter to People Magazine was to tell them I was going to tattoo my butt and run naked down the street, backwards, if I saw one more picture of Paris Hilton. They didn't print that one."

"The Women's Collective was having their Annual Talent Showcase and I had thought I would do a medley of Liza Minelli tunes, including a mini-salute to Bob Fosse, however; during the rehearsal, the entire group insisted that rather than be in the Showcase, I should chair the event. Not only was it a rousing success, we had our largest turnout ever. Over 38 people came!"

"Our youngest daughter, Tammy, has been released from Juvenile Detention a full sixty days ahead of schedule. She now has a clean slate and a pure heart. She told me she wanted to be born again, and my initial reaction was…OUCH."

"Being from Texas, I don't make fun of big hair, but I even said to her, 'Theresa honey, you could deflect small-caliber bullets with that hairdo.'"

"You know he wants to go to the next level, and so do you. But somewhere deep inside, a little voice, that sounds a lot like your mother's voice, says, 'What if he's just using me?' Oh but that can't be true."

"Listen you little punks, when this dance is over, you will find me out in the parking lot speaking with your parents about why those baggy pants you insist on wearing are down around your ankles. Because I slapped off what little rear end you had holding them up."

"I had to go see The Monkees…and I had to look perfect…on the off chance Peter Tork might spot me across the crowded room! Our eyes would meet, he would suck in his breath, and then he would say, 'I don't care if you're not quite fourteen…I'll wait.'"

"I said, 'Julio, just cuz your initials is tattooed on my left breases, does not mean I come with a lifetime guarantee.'"

"If you put any more collagen in those lips, you're going to have to register with the EPA."